Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Cthulhu Canonized As Patron Saint Of Unspeakable Horror

Patrick, Joseph, Francis of Assisi; what do these names all have in common? They appear on the Vatican’s list of the holiest beings to ever grace this earth. That list just got a little bigger with the canonization of Saint Cthulhu, patron saint of unspeakable horror.
“It is a bit unorthodox, but there was a vacancy.” Stated Scott Duke, a currently unemployed theologian. “A lot of people have criticized the decision; I, for one, think it had to be done and the pope agrees.”
Cthulhu was part of an elite group referred to as the “Great Old Ones”. It existed before known existence and was the driving force of destruction and chaos which ushered in the current era of life.
Archbishop Louis Ignacio, a public relations representative of the Vatican, gave this statement.
“Until now, any of god’s children who wanted imperceptible havoc and misery were forced to either turn to the black arts or wait for the rapture. Some things just can’t wait that long. Now they have Cthulhu to serve as a tentacle faced conduit to the Lord.”