Monday, March 10, 2008

Special Afternoon Edition: Chuck Norris Celebrates Birthday By Punching Through Dehumanizing Rumors

The Martial Arts Icon Begs The Public To Stop Saying Such Hurtful Things

With a tear in his eye, and a lump in his throat, the legendary Chuck Norris spoke this afternoon.

“I’m just a normal guy. I keep reading all of this stuff about myself, and it’s terrible. It makes me feel like some kind of monster.” Even in his distraught state, I could see pure, efficient death in his eyes. “Kids are afraid of me, people cross the street when they see me walking…It hurts.”

He undoubtedly referred to the various greatly exaggerated claims about him circulating the internet. Although, I had heard that he had kicked through the internet, making a hole that swallowed any who oppose him. He tried to gain his composure, leaped from his seat kicking a fly out of mid-air, then continued.

“I just want people to see me for who I am not some maniac. I’m tired of looking so inhuman. You know, I actually read somewhere that there is another fist under my beard? Does that sound like a compliment? How would that make you feel?”

On that note, I agree with Mr. Norris, just because he is a celebrity, and roundhouse kicked a group of British soldiers into outer space during the Revolution, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings. So please, let him live in peace with his dignity.

Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris!