Wednesday, October 29, 2008

MB Has Brush With Greatness, Writing Presidential Acceptance Speeches

Washington, D.C. – Our Editor-in-Chief, Mr. Jackass is a man of many talents. He is an accomplished writer, having made his name preparing speeches for public officials. Of course, he can’t use his real name, or it would jeopardize the public opinion of his various enterprises. He writes speeches under the name Donald Drake.

In an effort to bridge the partisan gap, both presidential candidates chose to approach the same writer to prepare their respective acceptance speeches. They called Mr. Drake. After a meeting with each candidate, taking some notes, and getting an idea for what each of them wanted to say to the public, he began to craft a series of potential addresses for submission.

The following are a sampling of the speeches he prepared. The selection was made to ensure the most comprehensive cross-section of what Mr. Drake wrote.

Speech for McCain:

“My friends, I would like to thank you for electing me to lead this great nation. I’d like to congratulate that one on getting this far. I really didn’t think he would make it. But he surprised me, and took second place; also known as first loser. But I’m in charge now and once my seventy-three year old ticker goes out, Sarah will be in charge and God help, I mean bless, us all.

Speech for Obama:

“Look, um, thank you. I’m so proud to be given this opportunity to help move our great nation into the future. I’d like to thank my wife, Michelle, God, Senator Biden, and everyone else who has been so vital to this campaign. I’d like to congratulate Senator McCain for a battle well fought. Oh, and this time, he didn’t get captured.”

Speech for McCain:

“My fellow Americans, friends, Joe the Plumber, you’ve made a good choice. I’m a maverick. I don’t care what you want, you put me in charge, and I’m gonna do whatever I want. That’s what maverick means! I just go all willy-nilly and do whatever strikes my fancy.”

Speech for Obama:

“Thank you, thank you, it’s really an honor to be elected to this office. My opponent didn’t think it could be done. The GOP didn’t think it could be done. But we did it. There’s a black guy in da White House!”

Speech for McCain:

“You people are so freaking gullible! Ahhahahahahahahaha!” (Unveil giant terrible robot suit powered by nuclear power pants)

Speech for Obama:

(Just dance, pop and lock, or crump, or whatever it is called.)

There were dozens more written, but these were the most moderate and were strongly considered by both candidates. Inexplicably, the candidates purchased none of the speeches prepared by Mr. Drake. But he’s a trooper and will carry on.

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