Thursday, October 30, 2008

Mr. Owl Discredited for Unscientific Practices

Berkeley, CA – Earlier this week, beloved mascot for Tootsie Roll Industries, Mr. Owl was relieved of his tenure at the University of California, Berkeley. The decision was made amid allegations of unscientific practices, and what administrators called, “psuedo-science”.

“He was often lazy, never thorough, and a slave to his own gluttony,” said Charles Whitmer, a member of the school’s administrative staff. “Never once in all his years teaching at this University did he make it all the way through an experiment without biting.”

According to reports, Mr. Owl was prone to attempting to use the scientific method for the exploration of whatever issue was at hand, but he always fell pray to an insane lust for biting.

“I think he was sick,” stated Jamie Muller, a former student of Mr. Owl. “I don’t mean, like, gross, or anything. Just sick. One time he was helping me pour some really thick chemical. We were measuring it out. I was like, ‘I need three milliliters’. So Mr. Owl goes, ‘One…a-Two-hoo…Three’, and he bites the graduated cylinder right in half!”

Staff members at the University were obviously pained as they emptied Mr. Owl’s office on Wednesday. One member of the custodial staff was particularly despondent.

“We even had to take his little graduation cap, I thought that belonged to him.”