Tuesday, June 10, 2008

California Legalizes Same-Sex Arguing at Home Depot

Sacramento, CA – “I’m just so happy to see that society is moving in the right direction, toward tolerance,” said Mary Johnson, a thirty-two year old woman who shops at Home Depot. “Plus, I really don’t like the ‘patina’ tiles.”

“It’s the only color that goes with the rest of the kitchen,” protested Emily Stewart, Johnson’s long time domestic partner. “Sometimes you’re impossible.”

Johnson and Stewart are just one of many couples benefiting from the recent statewide legislation in California permitting same-sex couples to publicly argue about remodeling decisions, an interaction their heterosexual counterparts have enjoyed for years.

“It just doesn’t make sense that anyone would have the right to pass legislation against a sexual preference,” explained Johnson. “Seriously, I f***ing hate that ‘patina’ color.”

“What do you want,” questioned Stewart. “Black and white? Everything is black and white with you. I don’t want to feel like I’m cooking in a doctor’s office.”

“Oh, like you do any cooking,” stated Johnson.

The debate over same-sex rights has been highly controversial. Opponents of the decision have claimed that allowing same-sex couples to argue in public about remodeling decisions would threaten the sanctity of arguing in public about remodeling decisions, allegedly, a sacred activity.

“God doesn’t look kindly on this kind of behavior,” suggested Mark Lesten, an activist dedicated to limit the rights of same-sex couples. “In the bible it doesn’t say anything about public arguments between same-sex couples. As we all know, if it isn’t in the bible, it isn’t right. Gays and Lesbians, just like dinosaurs and cars, don’t exist in the bible and I choose to believe they don’t exist at all.”

Several customers at Home Depot have expressed concerns that they would have to explain why two women were arguing to their children. Reportedly, this threatens the right of parents to raise ignorant, uneducated children.