Friday, June 27, 2008

U.S. Forces Liberate Ant Colony from Oppressive Autocracy

Washington, D.C. – A White House official declared a triumphant “Mission Accomplished” on Thursday morning at a press conference. The unofficial, much criticized, mantra of the Bush administration was delivered with certainty.

“U.S. troops have successfully liberated the citizens of an ant colony,” stated the official. “The reign of their Queen has been oppressive and terrifying. It is the opinion of the United States Government that no entity has a right to tyranny unless elected democratically.”

According to reports, the ant queen was found by U.S. troops, cowering in a hole. Corporal Jacob Matthews was in charge of the team that found her.

“When we first pulled her out, the other ants seemed frantic,” recalled Cpl Matthews. “But after that, I think they were really happy about it. It’s hard to tell because there is such a language barrier.”

The U.S. government has placed a substitute leader in charge of the colony.

“We will need to stay with the ants until we can teach them to function as a democracy,” officials told the press. “Since the liberation, many of the ants have had a difficult time acclimating to the new way of life. Many large adult males have spent much of their time wandering aimlessly. This is a very sexist society. With the exception of their self-proclaimed queen, the females within the society are forced to work constantly, feeding the queen’s babies.”

Reports suggest that many of the colony’s residents have died, presumably grieving loyalists, or simply left the area. The White House stated that this will be a long transition, requiring constant attention from troops.

“We would like to assure the American people and the subjects of Ant Queen’s tyranny that we are firmly committed to the goal of establishing ant freedom.”