Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Xerxes the Dog: “Rat-bastard” Leash Jingler Will Pay

Oak Park, IL – A lawsuit has been filed against a local man for breach of contract after failing to deliver on a promise.

Steven Walter, a twenty-eight year old graphic designer, came home late from work last Friday. Allegedly, Walter arrived at home, dropped his things, and picked up a dog leash he keeps on a table next to the front door. The leash belongs to Walter’s dog, Xerxes.

“I jingled the leash and said, ‘wanna go for a walk?’ and Xerxes started jumping all over,” recalled Walter. “Then my phone rang, and it was Emily.”

Reportedly, Walter stayed on the telephone for over an hour, neglecting his promise to Xerxes. After ending the telephone call, Walter allegedly showered and left the house for the entire evening.

“My client was the victim of a classic breach of contract,” stated Xerxes’ attorney. “The contract was an expressed verbal agreement between two consenting individuals and Mr. Walter failed to deliver on his end of the bargain.”

A sworn affidavit by Xerxes was submitted to the court.

“That ‘rat-bastard’ Steve specifically asked, ‘Wanna go for a walk?’ Then he just forgot about it and left. It’s that bitch Emily, he’ll do just about anything to hit that; including ignore his ‘best friend’.” The statement continued, “I’m tired of this crap, and he’s going to pay. When he forgot to roll down the car window while he pranced around the mall for two hours, I was cool. If I don’t get something to make up for his failed ‘promises’, I am so gonna [sic] shit on his pillow like, every day. Dude, seriously, you like that Xbox? Prepare to play ‘Halo 2: The pissed on Edition. Ruff!”

Xerxes attorney stated that his client’s comments were inappropriate, but understandably passionate.

Xerxes is suing for damages in the amount twelve hundred dollars and a year of table scrap begging rights.


Anonymous said...

Go Xerxes!
That Jerk needs a lesson, we mice have had it to.. this Mouse trap crap has got to end.. what sick bastard puts good cheese on a little spring loaded neck snapper?!

H.Q. Jackass said...

I agree "anonymouse". All the animals should band together and file some kind of class action suit.