Thursday, June 5, 2008

Iraq Veterans Treated with Lollipop Therapy

Bethesda, MD – Post traumatic stress disorder, once a burden reserved for Viet Nam Veterans, has come back to rear its ugly head. An astonishing number of U.S. troops are returning from serving in Iraq exhibiting symptoms of psychological trauma.

One military doctor in Bethesda Maryland is testing a new method of treatment with encouraging results.

“It’s actually an old medical trick,” explained LCDR Alan Heller, the doctor implementing the treatment. “We’ve given affected patients lollipops.”

Though critics have called the treatment condescending and shortsighted, patients are calling Dr. Heller a miracle worker.

“You know, I actually feel a lot better,” said one patient diagnosed with PTSD.

The therapy consists of a series of progressively larger lollipops administered when patients experience an episode.

“The hope is that by the time a patient is given the largest possible candy sucker, they will be so interested in the tasty treats that their symptoms will subside,” continued LCDR Heller. “I got the idea from children’s vaccinations, once they’re given a colorful lollipop, children usually stop crying.”

Many patients treated with the new therapy report forgetting their traumatic memories entirely. The basis for the treatment is the theory that candy, which is tasty, fun, and brightly colored releases endorphins effectively replacing the unpleasant thoughts with sugary wonderment.

One patient commented, “Is there anything candy can’t do? It’s really the greatest invention, ever.”