Saturday, June 28, 2008

Plant Found Dead in Pool of Own Fertilizer

Authorities Suspect Suicide

Sandusky, OH – Valerie Thompson walked into a grisly scene upon returning home from work last Tuesday. Her beloved house plant, Artemis, was dead.

“It was just sitting there, leaning gently away from the window,” recalled a shaken Thompson. “The drainage pan was full of water and fertilizer, it was horrible.”

According to local police, this was not an accidental death.

“Artemis had been planning this for some time,” said Police Sergeant Jim Booth. “As we know, plants generally move toward sunlight. It’s a very slow process. From what we can tell, Artemis has been slowly moving away from sunlight for several weeks.”

Thompson noted that her plant had expressed feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt, but it seemed to be improving.

Samuel Pride, a botanist working with local police on the case, explained the incident.

“You see,” said Pride. “Plants require sunlight for photosynthesis. Artemis obviously knew this and slowly moved away from the sunlight; effectively starving itself to death. It’s not entirely uncommon.”

Thompson expressed a deep grieving of her lost plant and said she wishes she could have done more to help.

“Maybe I’ll get a fish.”