Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Chicago Police on Manhunt for “Wrong Name” Killer

Chicago, IL – The Chicago Police department has announced an aggressive campaign to catch the suspected murderer of three people.

“At first, we thought the crimes were unrelated,” stated the detective leading the case. “However, we have come to believe that these atrocities are the work of a serial killer.”

Allegedly, the killer targets individuals who repeatedly call things by the wrong name. The first victim, a 55 year old man, was found with a note on his body. The note read;

“31 flavors? Come on!! It’s called Baskin Robbins, you moron.
31 flavors is simply a description of one of the benefits
offered by that specific business.”

According to the information released by the police, another one of the victims, a 35 year old woman, was also found with a note attached to the body.

“It’s JEWEL, not Jewel’s. Apostrophe ‘s’ indicates singular
possessive. The store does not belong to Jewel, it is Jewel. You
people make me absolutely sick! It takes more effort to call it
something it is not than it does to just read the damn sign!”

Police urge all Chicago residents to pay close attention to the correct names of businesses as it could be the difference between life and death. Citizens are cautioned to avoid using “exspecially” in stead of “especially”, “pacific” where “specific” is applicable, and “irregardless”…ever; noting that these are likely to encourage copy-cat murders.

Public concern about the series of homicides is varied. Some residents are even amused.

J.T. Molloy, an area comic book artist, had this to say;

“The wrong name killer? That guy cracks me up, he puts the ‘antics’ in semantics.”