Sunday, April 13, 2008

Nation Barely Concerned About Zombies Who Crave “Graains!”

Evans City, PA- The terrifying possibility of a full scale zombie plague was first introduced to American audiences in 1968 with George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead”; and it has been an unsettling concept ever since.

Last week, the unthinkable happened. People throughout the U.S. reported the first sightings of zombies roaming the countryside. Initial reception of the threat was riddled with fear and panic. However, late reports have suggested no human casualties directly caused by the walking dead.

The County Sheriff’s Department in Butler County, Pennsylvania, the alleged epicenter of the outbreak, released the following statement.

“Reports claim that the recently deceased are rising from the dead to walk among the living. The re-animated corpses show only the simplest of motor functions; their greatest drive seems to be an insatiable hunger, for grains.”

As indicated by the Butler County statement, the zombies have been consuming carbohydrate rich grains with an inhuman voracity. The majority of American citizens, since hearing detailed reports, have chosen to simply ignore the corpses roaming blindly through the streets.

The only groups reporting a substantial threat from the herbivorous hordes are America’s agricultural and baking communities.

A member of the American Farm Bureau, who chose to remain anonymous, had concerns.

“Sure they’re not hurting people,” stated the anonymous farmer. “But they’re devastating our crops. People need to show a bit more concern.”

Mounting tension among the minute fraction of registered voters representing the agricultural industry has solicited practically no response from the federal government. FEMA has commented on the disaster with a unanimous “meh”.

Klaus Vunderbraten, a Pittsburgh area pastry chef who owns Klaus’s Kakes (a popular bakery), was up-in-arms about the zombie concerns.

“They came into the bakery und ate all of mine bread,” claimed Vunderbraten. “They posed no threat to me, but they can’t pay for bread, they are corpses!”

Currently, nobody really cares about the walking dead. Only time will tell if local, state or federal authorities will do anything about the problem.