Wednesday, April 2, 2008

NHL To Forego Post-Season Because Everybody Had Fun

New York, NY- After ninety-one years, the National Hockey League announced today that it will not be holding the annual play-offs or championship. The NHL commission has stated that there will be no need this year, because all of the players in the league had fun.

Gary Bettman, the commissioner of the NHL has taken fire from fans and franchise owners alike for his controversial decision. Bettman is no stranger to criticism, his tenure as commissioner has been plagued with allegations ranging from unfair labor practice to having an anti-Canadian agenda.

Bettman gave a public statement defending his actions.

“It’s not whether you win or lose, the important thing is that everybody has fun,” confidently stated Bettman. “This season, coaches across the League have made sure that even the crappy players got some time on the ice. Also, as part of the collective bargaining agreement, all teams, regardless of who claimed the victory, were taken out for pizza after each game.”

These measures may seem odd for a professional sports organization, but the commission assures fans that their goal is to encourage good sportsmanship. Hockey has always been a breeding ground for in-game aggression and personal vendettas. The NHL hopes that through condescension and artificial illusions of equality, hockey can become a more friendly game.

“Fans seem to think that this is a move to soften a notoriously rough sport,” said Bettman. “The truth is that this way is better for everybody; nobody gets cut from the teams, there are no hurt feelings and everybody goes home with something.”

The “something” to which Bettman referred, is a small replica of the, previously coveted, Stanley Cup. Each trophy is engraved with the words “Participant, 2007-2008 NHL Season”.