Monday, April 21, 2008

Study Reveals: Smoking Cures Fitness

Seattle, WA- After decades of inconclusive testing medical researchers in Seattle have discovered a way to help millions of Americans afflicted with fitness. A year long clinical trial has produced definitive results indicating that smoking can dramatically reduce fitness levels.

Dr. Jules Gardener has made curing fitness his life’s work.

“It’s not something you’re born with,” said Gardener. “Many people are remarkably unfit in their youth and begin to show symptoms later in life.”

This breakthrough in fitness reducing drugs has given Dr. Gardener, and others like him, hope.

“It’s kind of funny,” suggested Dr. Gardener. “Smoking, the very thing that the media has been attacking, was the solution to such a serious problem. I hope those anti-tobacco lobbyists are happy with themselves; for once, victory goes to the tobacco companies.”

Allegedly, fitness is an increasingly rare, but severe condition brought on by certain lifestyle choices. Symptoms include feeling energized, regular heartbeat and the ability to walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded, according to the AMA.

Doctors tell us that contributing factors to fitness are increased mobility, reduced laziness and occasional to regular exercise; activities which Dr. Gardener cautions strongly against.