Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Scientists Create Planet Ending Machine

Geneva, Switzerland- The international physics research collective, known as CERN, is in the final stages of assembling the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). The LHC is the largest particle accelerator ever built.

The project is the object of global controversy; opponents noting its potential to completely destroy the universe. Physicists working on the collider protest that it “probably won’t do that”.

One particular member of the team building the LHC, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say;

“This kind of particle accelerator is absolutely necessary to facilitate the study of mankind’s ability to disassemble the fabric of the universe on a sub-atomic level. Physics is an exact science, well, as exact as a science can be. The point is, we have determined within a reasonable margin of error that we will not destroy everything in existence. Of, course, if this technology fell into the wrong hands…that would be, um, very bad.”

Noted Super-villain, Niles Nefarious also had a public statement to make.

"Pitiful weaklings, mine are indeed the wrong hands! With a machine such as this, I could hold the entire universe ransom,” claimed Nefarious. “All shall bow before the awesome might of Niles Nefarious!”

A CERN representative said candidly,

“No, you’re right, it’s a planet destroying machine. There really aren’t any scientific applications.”