Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Special Edition: Police Shoot another Cougar on Chicago’s North Side

Chicago, IL- Helen Meyers knows what she wants; getting shot by police is not it. She was shot by Chicago police last night and is currently in stable condition recovering from the wound.

The Roscoe Village neighborhood has been in an uproar lately over reports of cougar sightings. The wild cat was located by police and shot dead on Monday. However, according to police, the threat wasn’t neutralized. Several residents reported seeing a cougar on the prowl after the cat was killed.

Meyers is a 52 year old real estate agent who recently finalized a long and messy divorce. She stated that Roscoe Village is a hot spot for “fresh meat”; meaning attractive young men. She was indeed, “on the prowl”.

“The ‘boy toys’ love fast cars, so I drove my new mustang around, hoping to find a tasty morsel. That’s not a crime,” explained an agitated Meyers.

Police reports describe the encounter with Meyers as an uncomfortable, tense situation in which officers feared for their pants. Officer Sullivan, a 27 year old single male, was shaken.

“She was wearing these ostentatious white vinyl pants which left nothing to the imagination,” reported Sullivan. “Her top was tight and low cut. The perp had this haunting devious smile; she bared her teeth and seemed to be salivating uncontrollably.”

Standard procedure only allows the use of deadly force in extreme situations and officers were prepared to use minimal force to neutralize the threat. That is until the dangerous cougar lunged at officers, leaping clear over a six foot fence.

“I can’t resist a man in uniform,” claimed Meyers. She attributes the inhuman jumping ability to her weekly pilates class. “Pilates has really helped me tighten things up, you know, in the caboose.”

Officer Sullivan defended his actions, and the use of deadly force by him and his fellow officers.

“There are just too many good looking young guys in that neighborhood. We feared for the safety of our own innocence, but I, for one, wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if she had gotten away and engaged in ‘no strings attached’ casual sex with some innocent civilian.”

Meyers is expected to make a full recovery and plans on “getting back on that (proverbial) stallion” as soon as possible.